Found Tweet Friday

Found Tweet Friday!

December 14, 2012 (You. Guys. It’s MONKEY DAY, also National Salesperson Day, so give your sales team props! Especially if they’re a group of monkeys.)

Welcome to the Redlight District of Twitter

I spend a good part of my day using Twitter to find potential customers for my clients. I use the Twitter search function and locate people talking about relevant things that could translate to needs my clients’ products or services could fulfill. During this digging through the nonsense, the marketing messages, the slang and abbreviated hashtags, I find some pretty ridiculous tweets. Many that make my jaw drop. It never ceases to amaze me how many people forget that their tweets are completely public while they treat their Twitter conversations as if they were private. Some of those are simply too offensive or gross (not to mention misogynistic and lewd) for me to bother posting, but below are a collection of this week’s gems that I just had to share. My occasional commentary will be the parenthetical portions. Enjoy!

****Warning: Some content may be inappropriate for young or easily offended readers****

Found tweets:

  • I just remembered I paid $50 for an oil change and tire rotation…. Anyone else wanna rape my ass? (Some things you just don’t forget, I guess…)
  • My vibrator name would probably be the little engine that could. (#TwitterTMI)
  • It’s cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won’t eat them as soon as I get to my car. (I mean…good point.)
  • I love how i can freely scratch myself in my own car [followed by]
  • i can stealth scratch in the cubicle for days (#MaybeYouShouldGetThatCheckedOut)
  • my mom always has scissors in her car so she can steal flowers from ppl’s gardens (She’s teaching proper preparation, as a mom should…)
  • Lmao who left a “let’s get our balls wet” towel in my car? (Who indeed?)
  • I just hit a banana peel with my car. My car didn’t stop or spin around. So disappointed. (#MarioKartTweets)
  • Some people shave their legs when they go out with someone they like. I shave my ponies. #notaeuphemism (Wait…what??)
  • Watching a movie with my mom and a sex scene comes on … Thank God for the dryer beeping ! Holy Awkward! #SaveByTheBell (My parents just always made me cover my eyes. Doesn’t everyone’s?)
  • calling me mainstream is like shitting on a microwave. like what are you doing with your life? (It makes sense…yet…doesn’t…)
  • Sex Fact: People who have sex about three times a week are perceived to look four to seven years younger. Better than botox! #fb (A fact, you say?)
  • I’m gonna love having long hurr this winter short hair be havin my neck all cold lol (Big ideas. This guy, he has big ideas.#bigideas)
  • you had me at blood and semen. (Um…..)
  • Dashing thru the blood, of all the human slain! (Someone has the wrong kind of holiday spirit, methinks…)
  • I think the best birth control is wearing crocs . (A sellable point…)
  • razors pain you rivers are damp acid stains you drugs cause cramps guns aren’t lawful nooses give gas smells awful, you might as well live~ (My head just exploded. I can’t even…)
  • A blessing: May your child be born early in the month so she or he has an easier time with Web drop-down menus that ask for birthday. (#FirstWorldBlessings)
  • “I feel like there just needs to be a dessert that no one really likes, you know?” -whoever invented fruitcake
  • “Sweet potatoes and hotdogs for dinner?” “Yes, it’s a random combination… still not as bad as Nirvana and Paul McCartney though.” #truth
  • [[Don’t go to the link]] Fibroids In Uterus+odor http // (Everything about this spam tweet is wrong…)
  • You drive a Volvo? I pictured you in more of a muscle car (naked and with one of those horse tail dildos up your butt of course. (Well…that tweet took a turn for the awkward.)
  • Wonder if Taylor’s swift is gonna get some birthday sex..
  • good evening Twitter followers it was a grey cloudy day her in jax today dinner chicken string beans sweet potato tweet you later (I fell asleep halfway through this tweet…)

There you are folks! Obviously, some weeks will be less interesting than others, but I hope you enjoy it. Also, if you ever see any great tweets worth pointing out, send them to me at and they might make the list! Also, here’s a picture of a monkey…for monkey day. I like monkeys.

Now go get your social on!

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